Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's official drugs can't kill me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
