ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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