Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
