I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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