Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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