don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
