So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
