Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
