they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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