you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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