Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
