The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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