Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
