I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
