There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
