I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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