Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
