the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's blow job season.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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