I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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