I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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