new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
