So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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