I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
