My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
