Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Randomize
