Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
