State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
