So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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