Is it because I queefed?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
