Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
