Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
