So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
