We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
