I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
