Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
