my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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