So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
