five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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