I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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