I faked an abortion last night.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
