Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
