ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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