You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
