i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
