sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
