Don't make out with my wife yet
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
