How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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