Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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