Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
