I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize