Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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