Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
