i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
